Auntie, 2024 — MaxxM Studio Cave

here I am numbering these stupid images,
think of you,
to call,
then remember.

there I am washing the dishes for the 4830968043564854 time,
think to call you,
feel the momentary blank space,
then the tightening in my chest.

crossing Vernon on 47th Ave,
thinking again to knock on the door
of that poor apt
to see -- what?
to find you -- where?
In the garden?

the aching of brewing tears
at the back of my throat
and I force my hands to write
response after stupid
response.

"oh Gayle," I hear you sigh.
"Bitch this is not it."
I know Auntie....
It does not,
in fact,
make me horny.

What's the point of letting
others into grief
when it feels....
impossibly personal yet so universally
greeting card.

looking out through water
sloshing almost over the edges
biting my cheek as hard as I possibly can so I'm not visibly crying at this fucking desk. Selfishly I just... don't want you to be gone. I thought we'd have more time and Hallmark offers "I can't believe I'm never going to hear your voice again!" as you scream over the receiver OH SO THEY FUCKIN ANSWER THE PHONE WOW THERE YOU ARE. followed by a Lady Bunny like purr "Gayle, what're you wearing? Show Mommy what you have on today Gayle."

4 Non Blondes What's Up begins to play as a smoke machine fills the room in silent rushes

Kinda cliche of you to die during Scorpio season, very you very intentional spiritual vibration. It's strange to mourn your passing while also bickering with your spirit (personal info personal info personal info that is private between us). In the face of death, what are job responsibilities? what is money, what is rent? what does any of it mean? I look back and wish I could have exploded it all for more time together. I'm so sorry.

It was so familial especially in the end as we considered gaming the system so I could use your pension for top surgery someday. Your support of my gender transition went deeper than I think I was ever able to express in life, verbally. I tried to show you through acts of service, even as I failed in the end. All of the articles centering transness, the films we went to see, your gentle, thoughtful questions about it coupled with your unhinged texts. It was incredibly healing to watch you change over the years, to learn, to soften, to move forward into the future through new learning. Remember when you taught me how to hail a cab on 6 Ave?